It started up again a couple of weeks ago. I hadn't felt like this since ... well, since every day was a stress of not knowing where my youngest daughter was, if she was okay, whether she'd ever find a home, and if I would ever see her alive again. My body hurt. Specifically, my stomach muscles hurt. And they were rock hard ... and not in a good way. They were hard in that clench tight, don't let go EVER, gotta hold it all together way.
And a couple of weeks ago, I felt that same pain. I hadn't even known that the stress had been building; it kind of crept up on me. I thought I had a hernia or something. And then I felt it ... my hand went to my stomach and I felt that same, hard ball of stress. Anxiety. Fear. What the - - where did THAT come from?
What was it? why was I stressing? Nothing huge was wrong - yet my body didn't know it. And as a result... OW.
So as I engaged in some deep breathing to relax those muscles, I started reviewing all the possible causes - and what I realized was that it wasn't just any one thing, like it was before. It was a combination of lot of little tiny things.
My health - getting better but a lot of changes in that this year: precancerous cells in my uterus, removal of same, recovery from the surgery, slow to bounce back because of diabetes. And plantar fasciitis from too much time on my feet a few months ago. Again, slow to recover due to diabetes.
My family - my husband turning a milestone number this year and me not far behind. Him getting closer to an August 2018 surgery to repair a torn bicep. Daughter slowly getting back on her feet from her injury five years ago - and taking the beginning steps of going back to school. (Not all stress is bad stress.)
My work - end of one kind of duties and start (or restart) of others. Uncertainty whether it will change yet again.
My extended family - mom with dementia, brother with major health issues, plus a number of toxic people trying to take over the situation.
My school - getting closer and closer to graduation, more behind me than in front of me. Uncertainty as to where I will do my practicum, and whether my job will give me the time off with pay to do that. Deadline for practicum approval is now within 6 months.
Hmm, quite a list. I found myself tensing up just typing it onto the screen. And that's not including other things that are too personal to write about. Okay so there is a lot of stress, from a lot of things - some of them bigger than others. So how do I deal?
Yeah, I can hear the advice - not something I wouldn't say to anyone going through it themselves - but this is different. This is ME. What's going to work for ME?
I let my mind wander. What helps me in the everyday? What is something that I can latch onto, an easy memory trick to remind me to let go, to accept what I can't change, to change what I can and know which is which?
Then I remember this little painted sign that the sister of a co-worker made for her out of a little rectangle of lumber. Painted black with white script lettering on it, she keeps it on her shelf. And she sits right across from me.
The sign says "Just Breathe." (It looks a lot like the sign on the bottom of this pic.)
When I take notice of it, I can check in with myself and realize that I have resorted to shallow, quick breaths, the kind you take when you are expending a lot of effort while in state of anxiety or fear.
Reminding myself to Just Breathe helps to untie the knots in my upper abdomen and realize that there are some things I just cannot control, nor should I try. They just are what they are. And if I take them one moment at a time, they're not that huge. They just are.
Tonight, as I take time to recharge, I think I will be thinking about that little sign. And I will do what it says.
And a couple of weeks ago, I felt that same pain. I hadn't even known that the stress had been building; it kind of crept up on me. I thought I had a hernia or something. And then I felt it ... my hand went to my stomach and I felt that same, hard ball of stress. Anxiety. Fear. What the - - where did THAT come from?
What was it? why was I stressing? Nothing huge was wrong - yet my body didn't know it. And as a result... OW.
So as I engaged in some deep breathing to relax those muscles, I started reviewing all the possible causes - and what I realized was that it wasn't just any one thing, like it was before. It was a combination of lot of little tiny things.
My health - getting better but a lot of changes in that this year: precancerous cells in my uterus, removal of same, recovery from the surgery, slow to bounce back because of diabetes. And plantar fasciitis from too much time on my feet a few months ago. Again, slow to recover due to diabetes.
My family - my husband turning a milestone number this year and me not far behind. Him getting closer to an August 2018 surgery to repair a torn bicep. Daughter slowly getting back on her feet from her injury five years ago - and taking the beginning steps of going back to school. (Not all stress is bad stress.)
My work - end of one kind of duties and start (or restart) of others. Uncertainty whether it will change yet again.
My extended family - mom with dementia, brother with major health issues, plus a number of toxic people trying to take over the situation.
My school - getting closer and closer to graduation, more behind me than in front of me. Uncertainty as to where I will do my practicum, and whether my job will give me the time off with pay to do that. Deadline for practicum approval is now within 6 months.
Hmm, quite a list. I found myself tensing up just typing it onto the screen. And that's not including other things that are too personal to write about. Okay so there is a lot of stress, from a lot of things - some of them bigger than others. So how do I deal?
Yeah, I can hear the advice - not something I wouldn't say to anyone going through it themselves - but this is different. This is ME. What's going to work for ME?
I let my mind wander. What helps me in the everyday? What is something that I can latch onto, an easy memory trick to remind me to let go, to accept what I can't change, to change what I can and know which is which?
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| Photo "Girl With Daisy" by Claire Bloomfield at www.freedigitalphotos.net |
The sign says "Just Breathe." (It looks a lot like the sign on the bottom of this pic.)
When I take notice of it, I can check in with myself and realize that I have resorted to shallow, quick breaths, the kind you take when you are expending a lot of effort while in state of anxiety or fear.
Reminding myself to Just Breathe helps to untie the knots in my upper abdomen and realize that there are some things I just cannot control, nor should I try. They just are what they are. And if I take them one moment at a time, they're not that huge. They just are.
Tonight, as I take time to recharge, I think I will be thinking about that little sign. And I will do what it says.
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