I've not written on "Words That Stay" in almost a year, mostly because life keeps throwing new things at me and I've been a lot more busy than I've ever been.
The last year has brought many things. I am looking at celebrating five years in recovery on February 28. It's amazing to think of how my life has transformed in that short space of time. I am so grateful because the "recovery lifestyle" I learned, and am still learning, has been responsible for everything that is good and special in the last five years, even during the hard times.
In May or June 2013, I decided to go back to school and get my certification to become a counselor, and in September I started my graduate program at an online university, where I spend at least 25 hours a week reading, doing assignments and participating in class discussions. When I'm not at school I am at work, working full-time, or at church, and occasionally at a recovery meeting.
In the middle of all of that, my youngest daughter moved away from home, tried to make a new start, and in a twist of events that can only be described as tragic, was killed in a car crash in late October, just as she was starting to turn her life around. She was 21.
I know she would have wanted me to keep on with my studies, because she was so proud of me for going back to school ... even though school was never a place where she herself felt safe. So instead of dropping out, or even taking a break, I continued on in her honor. I miss her so very much, but I can feel her encouragement when I am tired, and her joy when I get a good mark. It's like I have my own unseen cheerleader. ☺ ♥
The addition of grad school to my already-full schedule means that life is much busier. It's true that I'm spending just as much of my at-home time on the computer as I did before; it's just that now, I'm doing it because I have to, for school. So, my writing has taken a back seat for a while. Blogging has become something I do when I need to take a break from my schedule, or when I have gotten a little bit ahead on my studies.
Change was never something I felt comfortable with. Not knowing what was beyond the next bend in the road was (and still is, to some extent) frightening. I like to have things predictable, and the events of the last year have really stretched me in that way. What I'm learning is that the only thing that stays the same is the fact that things change - and they can change in a split second.
And it's not just events that change. Attitudes, thoughts, beliefs, knowledge, ... they all change, develop, evolve. As I've been studying more about counseling, I have been pushed to examine how I see people, how I see the world, and how I see myself. I've been challenged to accept people, to accept that there are different ways of thinking, and especially to accept change.
My world is expanding. Things I never could see myself doing before ... I find myself actually doing, and liking. Things like listening to people, taking an interest in their stories, and letting them talk out their own solutions to their problems are all part of what is brand new territory for me. Oh, to be sure, I've done some of those things with my friends, but now I find that my skills are developing and so is my interest in more than just my own little world. I no longer have the luxury of being a spectator as the universe passes me by. I find that I have a part to play in that grand scheme of things - and as terrifying as that is, it is also quite exhilarating.
Instead of railing at change (as I once did, kicking and screaming as I was dragged into it) I am learning to face it and accept it with the attitude that if it's happening, there must be some purpose for it. Usually I can see the benefit in it, as long as I'm honest with myself, open to whatever I'm being taught, and willing to take that first step.
I guess it all boils down to faith, really. Do I believe that the intentions of my Higher Power toward me are good? Am I willing to put my trust in that, to lean my full weight onto that goodness? Or am I just going to shut down and cut myself off from all of the opportunities that He has placed in my path - cleverly disguised as challenges? As long as I trust His motives, I can accept change. Even embrace it.
Besides, I'm kind of wondering what's around that next bend in the road.
The last year has brought many things. I am looking at celebrating five years in recovery on February 28. It's amazing to think of how my life has transformed in that short space of time. I am so grateful because the "recovery lifestyle" I learned, and am still learning, has been responsible for everything that is good and special in the last five years, even during the hard times.
In May or June 2013, I decided to go back to school and get my certification to become a counselor, and in September I started my graduate program at an online university, where I spend at least 25 hours a week reading, doing assignments and participating in class discussions. When I'm not at school I am at work, working full-time, or at church, and occasionally at a recovery meeting.
In the middle of all of that, my youngest daughter moved away from home, tried to make a new start, and in a twist of events that can only be described as tragic, was killed in a car crash in late October, just as she was starting to turn her life around. She was 21.
I know she would have wanted me to keep on with my studies, because she was so proud of me for going back to school ... even though school was never a place where she herself felt safe. So instead of dropping out, or even taking a break, I continued on in her honor. I miss her so very much, but I can feel her encouragement when I am tired, and her joy when I get a good mark. It's like I have my own unseen cheerleader. ☺ ♥
The addition of grad school to my already-full schedule means that life is much busier. It's true that I'm spending just as much of my at-home time on the computer as I did before; it's just that now, I'm doing it because I have to, for school. So, my writing has taken a back seat for a while. Blogging has become something I do when I need to take a break from my schedule, or when I have gotten a little bit ahead on my studies.
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| Photo "Winding Road" courtesy of pixbox77 at www.freedigitalphotos.net |
And it's not just events that change. Attitudes, thoughts, beliefs, knowledge, ... they all change, develop, evolve. As I've been studying more about counseling, I have been pushed to examine how I see people, how I see the world, and how I see myself. I've been challenged to accept people, to accept that there are different ways of thinking, and especially to accept change.
My world is expanding. Things I never could see myself doing before ... I find myself actually doing, and liking. Things like listening to people, taking an interest in their stories, and letting them talk out their own solutions to their problems are all part of what is brand new territory for me. Oh, to be sure, I've done some of those things with my friends, but now I find that my skills are developing and so is my interest in more than just my own little world. I no longer have the luxury of being a spectator as the universe passes me by. I find that I have a part to play in that grand scheme of things - and as terrifying as that is, it is also quite exhilarating.
Instead of railing at change (as I once did, kicking and screaming as I was dragged into it) I am learning to face it and accept it with the attitude that if it's happening, there must be some purpose for it. Usually I can see the benefit in it, as long as I'm honest with myself, open to whatever I'm being taught, and willing to take that first step.
I guess it all boils down to faith, really. Do I believe that the intentions of my Higher Power toward me are good? Am I willing to put my trust in that, to lean my full weight onto that goodness? Or am I just going to shut down and cut myself off from all of the opportunities that He has placed in my path - cleverly disguised as challenges? As long as I trust His motives, I can accept change. Even embrace it.
Besides, I'm kind of wondering what's around that next bend in the road.
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