Just Breathe

It started up again a couple of weeks ago. I hadn't felt like this since ... well, since every day was a stress of not knowing where my youngest daughter was, if she was okay, whether she'd ever find a home, and if I would ever see her alive again. My body hurt. Specifically, my stomach muscles hurt. And they were rock hard ... and not in a good way. They were hard in that clench tight, don't let go EVER, gotta hold it all together way.

And a couple of weeks ago, I felt that same pain. I hadn't even known that the stress had been building; it kind of crept up on me. I thought I had a hernia or something. And then I felt it ... my hand went to my stomach and I felt that same, hard ball of stress. Anxiety. Fear. What the - - where did THAT come from?

What was it? why was I stressing? Nothing huge was wrong - yet my body didn't know it. And as a result... OW. 

So as I engaged in some deep breathing to relax those muscles, I started reviewing all the possible causes - and what I realized was that it wasn't just any one thing, like it was before. It was a combination of lot of little tiny things. 

My health - getting better but a lot of changes in that this year: precancerous cells in my uterus, removal of same, recovery from the surgery, slow to bounce back because of diabetes. And plantar fasciitis from too much time on my feet a few months ago. Again, slow to recover due to diabetes.
My family - my husband turning a milestone number this year and me not far behind. Him getting closer to an August 2018 surgery to repair a torn bicep. Daughter slowly getting back on her feet from her injury five years ago - and taking the beginning steps of going back to school. (Not all stress is bad stress.)
My work - end of one kind of duties and start (or restart) of others. Uncertainty whether it will change yet again.
My extended family - mom with dementia, brother with major health issues, plus a number of toxic people trying to take over the situation.
My school - getting closer and closer to graduation, more behind me than in front of me. Uncertainty as to where I will do my practicum, and whether my job will give me the time off with pay to do that.  Deadline for practicum approval is now within 6 months. 

Hmm, quite a list. I found myself tensing up just typing it onto the screen. And that's not including other things that are too personal to write about.  Okay so there is a lot of stress, from a lot of things - some of them bigger than others. So how do I deal? 

Yeah, I can hear the advice - not something I wouldn't say to anyone going through it themselves - but this is different. This is ME. What's going to work for ME? 

I let my mind wander. What helps me in the everyday? What is something that I can latch onto, an easy memory trick to remind me to let go, to accept what I can't change, to change what I can and know which is which? 

Photo "Girl With Daisy" by
Claire Bloomfield at
www.freedigitalphotos.net

Then I remember this little painted sign that the sister of a co-worker made for her out of a little rectangle of lumber. Painted black with white script lettering on it, she keeps it on her shelf. And she sits right across from me. 

The sign says "Just Breathe." (It looks a lot like the sign on the bottom of this pic.)

When I take notice of it, I can check in with myself and realize that I have resorted to shallow, quick breaths, the kind you take when you are expending a lot of effort while in state of anxiety or fear. 

Reminding myself to Just Breathe helps to untie the knots in my upper abdomen and realize that there are some things I just cannot control, nor should I try. They just are what they are. And if I take them one moment at a time, they're not that huge. They just are.

Tonight, as I take time to recharge, I think I will be thinking about that little sign. And I will do what it says.

Forever

Today is her birthday.
As if she'd ever let me - or anyone - forget.
She would have been 25.
But she's 21. Forever.

Forever young ... full of zest and zing
  and a hundred or two other things
  both maddening and endearing,
I remember the bad and good ... together.

Laughter - long and loud - left us in tears
  gasping for breath in spite of our fears,
  and echoes in my heart through the years
as hearty and raucous as ever.

Sometimes ... with a bang, the screen door closes
  and with a puff of wind and the faint scent of roses
  she rushes in, and yesterday composes
a sweet song as fleeting as a wisp of smoke.

Those moments, swift and elusive to capture
  dance around the black heart of disaster
  and call me instead to all of the rapture
she now enjoys - and oh, such unexpected joy!

See you later, my belle - Arielle - 
  I'll hold the torch, and keep it burning well
  until someday I hear the soundless bell 
and join you in Forever.

                              - - Judy Gillis
                                   (c) July 16, 2017

 

I ... am ... enough

I was reading in Brené Brown's book, Daring Greatly, today during a few moments of self-care time, when I realized that it had been a long time since I had made time for structured self-care! Lately, I have been so frantic about doing what I do (wife, mother, employee, boss, daughter, sister and student) and doing it well in all areas, (what does it matter that I only get three to five hours of sleep a night? right?) that I didn't realize I was once more heading down the path toward co-dependency, or as I have been calling it, "doormat-itis." Or being "Champion of the Underdog."

I had been focusing way too much on what folks expected of me and on the standards others had placed upon me (which I was trying to live up to) that I had lost sight of who I was. Again. WOW that's a slippery slope!! I realized this as I was in the process of unfriending someone on Facebook who had given me yet one more standard or expectation to live up to, one which I do not agree with, and who then proceeded to attack me about some choices I had made, which this person didn't agree with. The person had listened to other people's version of things, and convinced themselves that I was in error and just needed to see the "truth" ... but... and just as I trailed off there, I caught myself spiraling down into the abyss of self-protection, crusading, and other self-defeating thinking. I was taking on too much, and I was taking things in my loved ones' circumstances way too personally because I was the white knight, the defender, the rescuer, the protective "Mama bear" who would defend her own. It was killing me.

Photo "Young Lady Holding Umbrella" by
imagerymajestic at
www.freedigitalphotos.net

 As I was pondering this while reading Ms. Brown's book, I came across this statement and it rocked me back on my heels! 

"We have to believe we are enough in order to say, 'Enough!' " (pp. 144-145). 

 My umbrella of self-care, my affirmations from when I was in therapy, my learning to let go, ... I had forgotten it all - and this "enough!" statement brought me back to those hard-learned lessons and made me remember three very important things: (1) I am worthy of love and belonging (as Brené Brown says), (2) helping someone is a great and noble cause, but when it comes at the expense of my own mental health, I have invested too much of myself, and (3) when I catch myself slipping back into those old patterns, it is time to remember where and what my boundaries are, and to live within them.  This reminds me that others have boundaries as well, and (as hard as it is for me to accept) other people don't have to like me or agree with everything I do in order for me to like myself. I had done all I could do in this circumstance I mentioned, and whether someone agreed with my actions or my beliefs or my choices was irrelevant. The only thing that mattered was that I was following my conscience and that I have remained true to myself. The rest is of no consequence. 

Am I going to apologize? Am I going to re-friend this person? No. I didn't do anything against my conscience, and others' opinions of my choices are not my concern. I don't need to surround myself with people who can find nothing better to do than criticize someone else over something that is none of their business. That puts them (in their minds) in a position of superiority over me, and then I try to assert my superiority, and so on and so forth. I am not playing those games anymore. Will this person ever change their mind? Probably not. But again, that is not my concern. They are going to think what they are going to think, and nothing I say or do will change that. 

I need to be courageous about this lifestyle of letting go, because all of my life, I was hammered into thinking that what other people thought of me mattered, and I became a chameleon and by the end of it, I didn't even know who I was anymore. I have been slipping back into that mind-set. I am going to stop now. I am done with being afraid. I am tired of putting on the junkyard dog mask to hide that fear.  

What I am going to do is follow something that a co-worker's sister made for her. She has some writing, white on black, on a little sign on her bookshelf - two little words in beautiful script writing - "Just Breathe." It reminds me to breathe deeply. And in that breath, I remind myself that I am enough. That I am worthy. That I am loved. That I am all of these things and more besides. That I need to let go of my need for approval. That I need to let go of the need to prove that I am right. That I remember to let go.  

What a relief. Maybe tonight, for the first time in weeks, I will be able to sleep through the night without nightmares or anxious thoughts waking me up. I sure hope so...